we are so good at hurting each other that we could almost make a toxic poem of the pain between us. each line a tribute to the times we tried to love unselfishly but failed. i think the only thing that is holding us together now is the glue we put on each other’s cracks because the pain was a mistake. the brokenness wasn’t meant to be there. we didn’t mean to screw up love this badly. we are just two people who love each other but can’t seem to do it right.
to the boy who said he liked girls better when they could eat:
it is an addiction / the feeling of empty / where full should be / there is nothing more toxic / than wanting to tear your body apart / calorie by calorie / too tired of life to care / that you’re starting to smudge along the edges / a mirage just starting to disappear / because the only thing you can think of / is how good loose jeans feel / and soon you just go numb / to the feeling / of despair / because the feeling of empty / the feeling of reality slipping away / it’s addicting / and when you try to recover / guilt leaves a bad after taste / because you have spent so long / forcing yourself to be unfilled / that you have forgotten how to swallow / and the food feels unfamiliar / like a person you used to know well / who hasn’t wiped their feet / on the welcome mat yet / because they are not sure / if they are allowed to stay / but yes / say that you like your girls better when the can eat / because / i liked myself better / when i could too.
the other day i overheard a conversation where the boy remarked how he liked it better when girls actually ate. when they didn’t order salads or just nibble on their food. i was extremely angered by this. girls (and boys) can have eating disorders. there can be so many reasons why a person might not eat, so saying this is extremely insensitive and could be triggering to someone. one great misconception about eating disorders, is that a person can chose if they eat or not. while this might sound factually true, the reality is that the mentality of not eating is in place. so you are fighting against a mental barrier that says you shouldn’t eat. so your brain transmits this message to your body and after a while without food, your body will stop sending signals that it needs it. like hunger pains and stomach growling. the struggle of actually coming back from an eating disorder to try and live a normal life, is not talked about enough. it is so hard and so underrated. a person has to practically rewire their entire brain to stop seeing food as the enemy. even after they do this, there are days where they relapse and days where they feel so guilt for eating. for feeding themselves. there are times where they have to catch themselves before looking on the back of a nutrition label and adding up the calorie intake. i liked myself better when i could eat too but it is so scary to gain weight. to see the pounds add up when all you taught yourself was to watch them go down.
my little brother / has elated innocence / over the bullet proof backpacks / asking questions / thinking they are for / battles where good always wins / not to take to school / to protect him / since our own government cannot /he is a little boy / who plays with plastic toy soldiers / because he does not yet know / that the war is now in his classroom / not somewhere else.
i found three three empty cans of shaving cream / underneath the bathroom sink / and i know that you didn’t leave them on purpose / you simply forgot to throw them away / yet still i fight against the feeling / that maybe you are coming back / because just like the pair of socks i found / after doing a thursday laundry load / and the crumbled five dollar bill / stuck in a pen jar / you forgot me / i was left to go through the wash / feeling myself fade after hours of tumbling over myself / experiencing the gradual shrinking because i find it difficult / to love myself / when you couldn’t / and like the cash / i curl up in ordinary places / hiding in plain sight / and i am so disppointed when every face at the door / isn’t yours / because you packed my heart with your ball caps / tucked in the sleeve of your suitcase / and i didn’t have the courage to ask for it back / because i was hoping maybe you would realize / that wherever you go my love follows / until it leads you right back to me / but you are gone / your copy of the sport’s magazine / isn’t on the coffee table anymore / your colgne doesn’t invade my room / and i don’t hear your deep voice singing along to jason brown in the car / because you left / without me
ingrediants: a boy who doesn’t believe in love and a girl who loves everyone
break the boy. make him cruel and hard and shattered. turn him into a man because no boy can be broken that bad. then take the girl and let her love him. let her sacrifice her own happiness for him, because she loves him more than herself.
make the boy want to hurt her, because her life is perfect and his is falling apart. make the boy hurt her, make her curl up into a ball and cradle her heart in two shaking hands.
make the girl forgive him. make her smile through a broken heart and still love him. loving is all she knows how to do. hurting is all he dares to do, because he is all anger and spite. so afraid to love and be loved.
now make the girl turn bitter. make her smile go away and make her sad. the boy is making her sad.
once she is sad, take this sad girl and let her try to love this boy one more time.
but let this boy love someone else. let this boy, find someone just as broken to love. because this broken boy can only offer a little bit of himself, and his new girl can only offer the same.
let the girl finish high school and leave. leave the town, leave the boy. let her leave all that have hurt her. let her leave still sad.
i’m suffocating underneath the weight of sadness that isn’t mine.
you were my biggest heartbreak and no one even knew it