all the lies i’ve loved

the 9 year old lie / was a tall red house / white shutters / straddling the corner of two small streets / with a backyard / that had a yellow slide / shaped like an Arby’s fry / and i loved this house / this you-will-not-leave-your-friends / i-promise-daddy-still-has-his-job/ lie / i believed in this lie so much / that i left my initials penciled / beneath the bathroom sink / thinking that if heartbreak was a house / it would be this two story red house / that i couldn’t call home anymore / and then there was the 12 year old lie / the girl who wrote me postcards / and gifted me diy jelwery that was always too tight / but never could look me in the eye / calling me pretty only when my brother was around / crying crocodile tears when i finally said the truth / “you only were friends with me because of him” / and i think that was the first time / i had ever truly hated my brother / because i was left constantly trying make light / in his shadow /  and i think i have a character flaw / of falling in love with train wrecks / or maybe i make them / because at fifteen i felt something / for a boy with brown eyes / who read the end of books before the beginning / a way of trying to escape the hurt / and i think i should have known then / but his smile was the most beautiful lie / i had ever seen / and as a girl who falls in love with beautiful things / i fell for this lie of a boy / this i’ll-hold-your-hand-only-when-my-friends-aren’t-around / i-forgot-that-it-was-your-birthday / i’ll-make-it-up-to-you / kind of boy / and because of all the lies i’ve loved / places i never could stay / people i wanted to / because of these lies / i find myself / fumbling when trying to tell myself the truth / “you are worth more than ________________”

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