this month has been laying heavy on me like the fog outside of my morning every window. i almost question if 2019 will be another year of scouring the unfamiliar places of this town i now call home, looking for something i can’t give a definition to. in this month i find that a girl i called my best friend is no longer. sometimes i feel as if maybe i am perhaps to blame. we did the big stuff first. letting our pasts stain and perfume the air of the bright aqua bedroom where we laid on the floor listening to brittney spears. we talked about brothers and boyfriends and whispered about some scars that crisscrossed our hearts. as i felt a feeling of untapped anger towards her i questioned what it could be. why i felt as if we were better off apart than together. in this stormy conflict, my fingers didn’t seem to hesitate as a text message slid off with the simple press of a blue arrow. i don’t regret that first text. i only regret everything afterward. in the heat of our argument, i demanded my favorite color. she guessed blue. a bitter chuckle seemed to sour the air as i told her i liked all colors. i then demanded by birthday. she was two months and eight days wrong. i asked her how we could call each other best friends when she didn’t know of the days i starved myself or even the day i was born. i demanded answers from her. and she had none to give. now as i have just send our parting text, allowing poetic sadness to mingle with the anger of the seven months i spent laughing at her messages. she passionately screamed for me to give a reason. just one reason why we couldn’t be friends anymore. i didn’t say a word, because she didn’t deserve anymore out of me. to put it cruelly she had been a waste of my words. a desert i had poured everything into, wanting it to become an ocean. i tried to tell her in poetry the difference between us but she snarled at me like a jungle beast. i can’t find anything else but poetry inside of my soul right now to describe how she took three of my friends with her when she left. or the fact that she had been building up a bird cage for me all along but i was just too naive to notice. i told her that she was confining. she challenged me as to how and found bitter pleasure in the fact my mouth refused to work. quite frankly i wanted to tell her that how could an ocean count every wave? i could not count or form words to explain the endless iron bands she bad slowly started to wrap around my soul. i think that deep inside of i thought we could work. i hoped that we could. a desert and an ocean. after all, i had sand inside of me too. yet at our bitter and not poetic ending, i find myself laughing at how i could ever compare us as similar. how i could find enough mating sites in our dna to question our differences and cover them with oily similarities. so yes. she has made me into the villian. she had wept tears and told others the big secrets i told her first. and i am honest when i say i let us go. i felt us falling but i did nothing to stop our descebt. and i think a small part of me was hoping thta she cared enough to try and stop us. but these hopes were in vain just like the regetful text messaes i sent telling her all the things about me no on should be bable to know and wield.