I feel like I have been asleep for a while. And today, I finally woke up.
It’s not a sentence you can pick apart and analyze, it’s my life. And it is also the truth:
Whatever dream I was in, whatever happiness I thought I had, is gone.
I have finally woken up to realize that while in my haze, thinking of myself and floating happily from one place to another, I have left behind the people who matter most.
I have let some go, to fade away as I cut my life into a perfect square, determined to live like other girls………………….
Until I realized today, I am not like other girls.
My life is more complex, and I have people who depend on me for a smile, a kind word, a friendly greeting.
I have friends fighting more battles then I could ever keep track of, and a family who needs a thread to tie us all together again.
I have people who I sit beside, in church and school, who are missing the deep comments I made, the funny faces, and a never-ending supply of gum.
I have selfishly gone into a haze, where I was so determined to be happy, I lost sight of everything.
Because the truth is, no one is ever happy for their entire life. It is simply a battle that cannot be won.
The truth is, you are going to cry. You are going to sob as you feel your world fall apart, and your heart becomes a burning lump of cole. You are going to feel words burn your esophagus as they spew out like lava, leaving devastation in its wake. You are going to have days where you can’t get out of bed because you feel like your life is gone.
You are going to have days where your fingers are smeared with paint, and your eyes are empty…..but your head is full.
There is no guarantee in this life, that we are supposed to live in unexplainably happy.
There are reasons in every day to find joy, comfort, and even happiness, but when we feel hopeless, lost, tired and confused, we will not find them.
We will find our pillow, but while being our body shuts down, our mind doesn’t. It fills your head with a chemical overload, more toxic than tar and poison………and you are powerless to stop it.
So honey, accept, as I had to, that the haze was a shield from reality, and not true happiness at all. It was you making someone your entire life, making something your entire dream when you cut out the bigger picture.
Trust that waking up, was the best thing you could have done. Trust yourself, for knowing it was time to wake up and realize the people you left behind.
The dreams you wrinkled up like last weeks garbage.
And most of all, realize what put you in that haze, maybe it is not worth it. And maybe they never were.